I am at loose ends right now. I haven't exactly been laid off from my caregiver job, but I have been assigned no clients. They say at work that they haven't taken a dislike to me, it's just that there are fewer clients, and none who are willing to have a man in the house.
I believe them. And I don't even resent the injustice of being rejected for being a man. Justice is not guaranteed in this life.
But it does leave me wondering what to do next.
I'm still promoting myself as a massage therapist, but it's not bringing in a sufficient income by itself.
I failed at the end of my first year of nursing school. That still hurts. I still feel a powerful desire to go back and prove myself, and to get the degree and the job that I feel called to do. But it's expensive, and a major challenge, and.... I just don't know whether I should climb into that particular meatgrinder again. I don't know.
I trained as a phlebotomist, in hope of getting more pay and more humane hours than I had as a caregiver. I keep on applying for jobs, but I haven't been hired yet.
I wrote a story and had it published almost twenty years ago. I finally sold another one. I'll have another story finished soon. I could make at least some money writing, if I could write more and faster. There was a time when I would have said that being a writer was the life I wanted. Now that I have had a taste, is it still what I want? I'm not sure.
Kathe said recently that I had always put her in mind of a history teacher. I was surprised -- it seemed like something totally out of left field. Until I remembered that I had, in fact, taught a history class a few years ago, while Kathe was on the board of a small private school. And I'd enjoyed it, too. But is that how I want to spend my fifties? I don't know.
It feels strange and wrong to be at such loose ends at my age. Here I am, forty-nine years old, married 25 years, my kids grown, and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. But I am what I am, and my life has brought me to this place, and no other.
So what next?
//The Magic Eight-Ball says, "You must, yourself, decide your duty -- and do it well."\\
1 comment:
I come here after a visit to see if there are post about Gideon. Call me over protective.
I must be in a giving mood. So here goes. I am going to say again you might want to consider finishing your nursing degree online.
My cousin, like you, fail in her at the end of here fist year. So, rather than go back to traditional classes she took classes online where she could work at her own pace and take the exams when she was sure she could pass. And then had a two day clinical final.
It took her about year long then traditional class but she has been working in Salem for a year now and make about $30 an hour.
I have to stake or care about what you do with your life so I must be feeling generous today.
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